This week is going to be a big one, full of wedding events and moving. It is the eye of the storm, the quiet "I should be packing more" time that leaves me with thoughts.
It is difficult not to be hard on yourself. I started this blog to try to keep myself in the moment and I'm not sure how to measure improvement. Happier? Yes, but what is circumstance and what is being happy with life no matter what. I'm sure there is no formula for this, but I am still hoping to improve.
One of the biggest new things is body image. I've been thinking a lot about this lately. I have read this blog and I appreciate its honesty in failure but also spot some holes in the conversation. The truth is that it is kind of addicting to be involved in some heavy weight loss. I focused on that for a long time, and was "pretty" successful. There are certain qualities to the success of weight loss that make it akin to being a successful athlete. The truth is that everyone is watching you the whole time. People comment and encourage you when they see you succeed, and fall to sympathizing (or outright lying) when they try not to discuss your failures. It brings a constant sense of accomplishment with every pound loss and those are some pretty instantaneous results for long term goals.
But what people don't talk about as often is what you do once weight loss is not your focus anymore. As a secondary thought in the back of my mind, it seems that body image has become more of a beast than it was while I had a serious amount to lose. Now the five and ten pounds that are shed from illness and come back from a thesis become so much more of a big deal. People don't talk about the fact that once you've been known as someone who is losing weight constantly, people stop complimenting you once you stop losing. Gaining anything feels like a pretty serious failure, especially when you don't have any kind of routine to clutch on to and change solidly.
Most of the weight concern in this country is just part of the national burden. Food politics are lengthy and complicated and I have a whole other post in my head about healthy eating, organics, etc etc. But while I have focused on those things for a while now, what I find in neglect are those things that are less tangible, talking and thinking.
Things will change for me and life will settle down and I will go back to success in my routines. In the end I think it is important to remind oneself of all the things that aren't going wrong anymore. But I can't help but think about the process, amid my small stint of failure that feels like a privileged, overeducated girl's version of a landslide.
I had a classmate in grad school that studied weight loss communication and I wonder what kinds of patterns we have to discuss this. I guess you can take the girl out of grad school.....
I hesitate to comment at all, since I haven't dealt with the sort of dramatic physical changes that you and L have. But I do know what it's like to feel body image taking over, pushing aside my enjoyment of food, the strength and triumphant feeling of exercising. I hope that as you struggle with the weight gain and loss aspects, you can find ways to enjoy how being healthy *feels.* How happy your belly is when it's full of veggies and how much energy you get from a steady workout routine. I love you, girl, and I believe in you.
ReplyDeleteI get the body image thing. See I've never had a weight problem in my LIFE until I got married. lol This has been the most difficult thing ever. We've only been married a year... I'm in my mid 20's... I'm supposed to be looking the best of my life right now!!! =) But I guess that's what they say about being in love and comfortable. lol Anyway, so now, I have some weight that I want to lose to get back to my normal, natural, healthy weight, but I just can't do it; it's like I don't know how! It would help if I had access to a gym, but that's a negatory in this tiny Texas town. I can't WAIT to be back in KC this fall so that I have access to gyms again. When it comes to working out regularly and sticking to a routine I have discovered that I need the kind of structure a purposed building provides.
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